Running Away

"When life gets hard, you could always just run away..."

So that's what i've been doing. Of course it is not really feasible for me to actually run away in the sense of leaving this state or this country, but i have been doing it in the metaphorical sense. It's been a little while since my exercise routine was up to snuff, so for that reason alone i should be out jogging. But the real reason i have been putting on my old Adidas and Harmony Event sweatshirt and splashing through the puddles is the feeling that i am running toward my goals, and running away from my problems.

We all know that exercise is good for the body. But i think it's the benefit to the mind that does me the most good. Yes of course my muscles are being worked (hence the stilted way i'm getting out of my office chair for the past few days) and yes i am burning fat, but it is the feeling, like i said before, of running away that is the best part for me right now. It makes me feel like i am actually doing something besides sitting around chewing my nails and worrying about what is to come.

The power of mental persuasion is strong. About seven years ago i bought this video called Tantric Toning from a Eugene thrift store. But i never actually got around to popping it in the VCR until about a week ago. I think it was something about the way the teacher was sprawled out with her legs spread and her hands in the air on the video's cover that made me feel silly. But for some reason last week i finally put it in. I still felt silly for the first few minutes, but after that i was kind of in to the way the teacher instructed you to visualize working toward your goals and dreams. It was also adorable to see my daughter get her 'cheerleading' skirt on and join me in doing the video... then she'd get bored for a while and start looking at her yoga book, My Daddy is Pretzel and start trying to do those poses...
In one part of the video you have to make like you're shooting a bow and arrow -- as if you're gearing up for, and then hitting your "mark" every time. Maybe you still think it sounds silly but like i said, it's all about the power of persuasion.

Bottom line, if we believe that something is helping us, then it is. Even if it's only a simple video workout and you're hardly even sore the next day. It will address the mental, physical and emotional side of you, if you let it. So now the thought of running away is helping me in all of those ways at once. And i don't have to pack up and move.

Favorite things

Kids who take photos

and blackberry smoothies

Hot buttered popcorn

curled up to watch movies

Camellias blossoming

just before spring

These are a few of my favorite things

When the job bites

When the rain stings

When i'm feeling mad

I simply remember my favorite things

And then i don't feel so bad

(yeah, she took these!)

Spring Taunts

After that last post i felt the need to focus a bit on the bright side of today. Sure i think too much when the meditative moments come about, but for the most part today was quite pleasant. The house was glowing when i rolled out of bed at a leisurely hour, because the sun was shining brightly outside. This is about the time of year when we get the occasional bout of sunny days, wonderful enough to trick you into thinking that spring has arrived -- just glorious enough to make the dark days inbetween now and summer seem all the more hard to bear. I can liken it to running a cross-country race back in high school where suddenly i could hear the cheering crowd at the finish line, but even though i'd just run two and a half miles, that last half-mile seemed excruciatingly long.

Libby and i took a walk to the Space Monkey Coffee House in our hood when we finally roused, her happily panting and me blissfully donning my shades. Any time one gets to wear sunglasses in Oregon during the winter, you know it's gonna be a good day. After that Roops and Q and i took our bikes out in mid-afternoon and cycled down the Eastbank Esplanade all the way to Sellwood. It was great to see so many fit and smiling people enjoying the day. The thermometer only read 50 degrees, but it felt much warmer and the sun is just a treat after a long Northwest winter. That is not to say we have it as tough as most places in this country, but cold weather is cold weather really no matter what the temperature and i am glad when it finally leaves us completely.

So all of this bliss got me thinking -- am i living in the right place, if half the year i am wishing for the other half the year? I guess i am re-evaluating a lot of things right now -- like whether i should go for an advanced degree, whether i am really in the right place to succeed in life, whether i would be shooting my personal life in the foot should i move, since the kiddo's dad and grandma live close enough now to keep me from being on 24-7 kid-watch. Holistically i do believe i am in the right place. I have friends and a supportive, like-minded community, family nearby for my daughter, schools that i believe do the right thing...

On that note, this week i have been checking out public immersion schools for the kiddo to attend next year. In order to take advantage of the wonderful bilingual programs available here, you have to sign them up next month -- a full six months ahead of time. Your kid's name gets put into a lottery system and if their name gets pulled up, you end up in the school of your choice. I had to make the difficult decision to make my third-choice school in a neighborhood i was not a fan of, as opposed to making my third-choice in a more well-off neighborhood across the river, because the likelihood she will get in to the well-off school is much less than the one in the more ghetto hood. But i felt that if i wanted to be certain she attended the immersion schools, i had to do it. And at this point i am acting on faith that her name will come up for either my first or second choice anyway. And i suppose i am also acting on faith that the immersion school will be a better choice than any other i could have chosen, which may have had fewer kids trying to get in. Who knows, we could end up broke and destitute and forced to move back in with my parents, if the next Great Depression comes along. But for now, the kiddo will have the chance to attend a bilingual school FOR FREE for the next 12 years or so.

i'll surely be a ghost

A flick and a puff and i'm striding about
with the worst of my old habits.
While i'm doing it
i'm thinking too much again.

If i die today
i'll surely be a ghost,
a roiling pissed-off apparition
here to haunt the world
for keeping me from my dreams.
If you ripped me from my calling
i'll be calling you in a terror.
If you inflicted pain upon my child
your penance will come to you
in the unsettled way you'll sleep.
If you took from me
and never gave a thing back
you'll be paying,
paying
praying for us both
to finally have our rest.

If i die today i'll surely be a ghost...
since limbo here
surely means limbo there.

Compromises

The kiddo and i did a "compromise" yesterday. It's a handy technique my mom passed down to us, where the kiddo tags along on my adult errands, and in exchange she gets to do something that she really likes to do. I've been promising to take her to see
Samudra the baby elephant ever since he was born on August 23rd at the Oregon Zoo, so we finally compromised yesterday and went and saw him. As a newsie i got to see unreleased video of his terrifying birth -- where his mama kicked his lifeless body around the enclosure to get him to take his first breath. It was unbelievable -- but somehow he survived and is thriving.

Besides my usual depression at seeing animals kept in pitifully small enclosures, i also made some other anthropological observations about kids and parents yesterday. I don't get out into the kid-world too often -- to places where kids are the focus of the scene. But the zoo is definitely one of those places where kids are more or less in charge. Like most parents i had the energy and the good attitude to roll along and see whatever she wanted to see for the first hour or so, before her feet started dragging and i felt like i was reducing my walking-pace to about a tenth of its usual speed. By the time we were walking the path toward the exit, i could see that i was not the only one feeling a little exasperated. Kids were jumping on the statue of the goats at the exit, clinging for dear life to those golden sets of horns because they knew it would be one of the their last acts for the day at their beloved zoo. Meanwhile parents were dutifully pulling out the camera for the last shot, wearily extracting their children off the statue with a sigh, and pulling reluctant hands toward the car.

"Bobby, come on! We said it was time to go a half hour ago."
"Sage, that's enough. No, we're not going to the gift shop."
"Alexis, we're not getting popcorn. No, we're not getting ice cream."

Near the very last steps there are a couple boulders that kids like to climb up and jump off. It takes every last shred of parental patience to let them do this. At that point i asked myself why it is that we take our children to these spots designed especially for their delight, and then pitifully beg them to let it end. The answer i came up with was not especially encouraging. I think it's because we really wish to be the ones who get to leisurely paw our way to the top of a boulder, or to climb on top of the mountain goat statue. We want to be the ones who get to determine the path we'll take at the Oregon Zoo, or the Forest Park trail, or the grocery store aisle. Even though we're the parents, we really aren't in charge. Our love for our little ones compels us to give them experiences we wish we could have on our own. We are all the little kids on the inside, but now we have jobs and rent payments and worries about health insurance that keep us from being able to fully realize our leisure. So we let the little ones do it -- and we temper our jealousy at the fact that they get to. It's not that i don't love giving my child enriching experiences, it's just that i want the chance to run and scream and beat a trail toward the ice cream stand too. But who's going to carry me to the car, when i'm exhausted from a day of fun?

Creative Alternatives

Reuters/Henny Ray Abrams

There are plenty of articles out there about creative ways to avoid layoffs. They may not be the ones that scream from the front page, but they are definitely out there. It surprised me to see that the U.S. is one of the places that this happens most. It's just less-than-creative, but it also goes along with our less-than-socialist bent.

This is from Time this week:

"Asia's approach to layoffs contrasts with attitudes in the U.S., where staff cuts are considered to be a standard corporate coping strategy during business downturns. In January, for example, U.S. employers eliminated 598,000 jobs — the most in any month in 34 years — but there was scant public debate over whether the layoffs were necessary or justified. "

Here are a series of articles about things people are doing, to stop the unemployment glut. Pass them around and talk about them over coffee. The next pink slip might be yours.

http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1878696,00.html

http://www.businessweek.com/globalbiz/content/feb2009/gb20090211_569463.htm?chan=rss_topEmailedStories_ssi_5

http://uk.reuters.com/article/gc04/idUKTRE5184IQ20090210

http://adage.com/mediaworks/article?article_id=134553

http://www.pressofatlanticcity.com/146/story/401702.html

http://www.pressconnects.com/article/20090212/BUSINESS/902120320

Quote of the Day 2.13.09

"If the people lead, the leaders will follow."

Ben Harper put it in a song years ago, and yesterday i saw it on a faded bumper sticker on the back of a tumbledown van. What are you doing today, to tell your leaders you don't like the way things is?

Skating from Squalor

There have been plenty of times in my life when i've skated the fine line between squalor and success. I moved to Eugene in 2001 dealing with little money, a boyfriend who didn't really want me staying in his house for too long, and a job market that was dismal, even for the skilled convenience store clerk with the Ph.D. I delivered phone books for a time, before the greenhouse 20 miles out of town noticed me for my Spanish skills and put me on their planting crew. I discovered that even being employed did not mean there would be money for anything but rent and a little gas for the tank. I ate ramen and cheese sandwiches, carpooled with the other planters, and let my previously-somewhat-hip wardrobe piddle down to torn, topsoil-stained rags.

Then a couple months later the resume i'd dropped off at a downtown brew pub bore fruit, when the lesbian assistant manager remembered the cute way i'd (unconsciously) flirted with her when i'd come to look for a job. I had to scrape together enough suitable server's clothing by donating plasma, so i could pass muster before the fat waitress tips started rolling in.

I also traveled in Asia with less money than i would have wanted, when my Chinese bosses started imagining that i might not be worth the 100 rmb they were paying me to show up at English corner. We had a falling out, and i broke the news about my leaving to some of my favorite students when they showed up for a class that would no longer be in session. I set out on the road. I still ate well, since my palate was not so refined and a bowl of egg fried rice suited me just fine. I saw many of the sights i'd wanted to, but if there was a chance to skip the hotel for the night, i would most certainly skate on the side of squalor and shiver in a cold bus terminal to save some cash.

Then when i moved back to Oregon, i was gainfully employed, but newly single, in need of child care nine hours a day, and strapped from the move so many miles from where i'd come from. Winco Foods became my best friend. The warehouse-style grocery store has all manner of regular sundries, but it also has a bulk section which allowed me to stock up without devastating my funds. Every day i'd bring a sack lunch of crackers, a few slices of cheese, a piece of fruit, and a snack mix for mid-evening, poured from that row of bulk foods. I slowly slid away from that squalor when my sister showed up and she and her husband started helping me with the rent.

Now as i try to conserve my cash for tougher times to come, the taste of that oriental snack mix is again rolling across my tongue.

It's funny how certain smells or tastes bring back the sensations of a time long past.

And this time, that oriental snack mix is bringing back these desperate sensations of squalor, barely staved off; the feeling that one false stride and you'll fall, skates still spinning, bruises forming, a groan of pain and embarassment falling out the mouth, and the knowledge that the only thing you can do is hope for another phone book delivery gig to come around, so you can keep rolling...

Dear Mr. President

Barack Obama is calling for people to submit their stories about the economic crisis on his website. I am sure there are millions of people hurting who are submitting their stories, in the hopes that someone will hear, and care about what they are saying. Here is what I put up, along with the picture here:

I am a single mother and journalist in Portland, Oregon. For the past five years I have worked as a producer and writer for a local television affiliate. When I got my current job three years ago, I negotiated a living wage which has afforded me and my daughter a comfortable living. Nothing extravagant, but just enough to ensure that she has the preschool education she deserves, the health care she needs, and the healthy food that is essential to raising a growing child. At the end of each month, I have little saved, but it is enough to survive. But as I said, I negotiated the living wage three years ago, so in this current economy that living wage seems to my employer to be too much, when people just out of college will work for much less. As my contract expires this April, my company, Meredith Corporation, has decided it is too much to continue to pay me. I will be out of work in two months, meaning we will not have health insurance, and likely be unable to pay our reasonable rent. I am appalled and angered, considering that my company still continues to make money -- something like 21 million last year -- but they believe a harworking, talented, skilled single mother is not needed in their place of business.

I believe the fear about what is to come is making companies like mine feel all right in cutting jobs, to cover themselves just in case, even if that means the economy will suffer further because I am unable to pay for my daily needs. I feel part of the decision is because I am unable to put in extra time, beyond my regularly scheduled hours, because I am the only one taking care of my child and finding somewhere for her to be while I am at work.

In my case, the most vulnerable people in our workplace are being targeted as unnecessary. I have written much about this on my personal blog, and wrote this post the day after I found out about my pending unemployment:http://nicolevulcan.blogspot.com/2009/01/how-fast-pendulum-swings.html

I am a supporter of Barack Obama and have hope his administration will find ways to help people like me. I believe part of it is doing away with the fear that causes companies like mine to lay people off, even while they continue to make millions. Let's find a way to stop the fear and bring back the confidence in our economy! Thank you.

Quote of the day

"I don't know what god or whomever was thinking. Idiot. He/she/it needs to be replaced. I mean, give us a sense of justice and then make things so unjust?!? That is REALLY unfair."



Thank you, James. Your words did fall on ears that wanted and needed to hear them.

Master cover letter

Dear Prospective Employer,

I am writing to you desperate, defeated, depleted of resources... but certainly i must be the best applicant for this job. I'm smart, sassy, and cynical -- isn't that what you're looking for in your newest employee? I don't kiss ass, kick ass or take many names; i just plod along, show up on time, believe in good causes and dream about more than what's inside the corporate sphere.

I sneeze repeatedly when i'm at work. I tell myself it's because i'm allergic to working indoors, not allergic to the tasks that i toil at each day. I don't take many sick days but when i do it's usually because my kid is sick, or sick of me being away from her five days a week.

I went to school for the socially-acceptable number of years. Then i circled the globe a couple times. Then i went to school some more. I daydream about the times when i was happiest -- inside the four walls of an institution of higher learning and not out here, where it's impossible to please everyone you are supposed to please, or even know how you are supposed to please them. I am beginning to believe success has nothing to do with what you've done. It has more to do with who likes you on first glance.

So will you let me stand before you -- so you can decide whether you like me at first glance? Will you allow me to shake your confident paw with my cold, scared, shaky one? Will you allow me to come to your place of business, so you may look at the slight wrinkle in my out-of-date suit, listen to the sad clap of my too-big shoes, remark upon the earrings that look slightly hippieish? Will you allow me to tell you why i deserve this job, more than the hundred other desperate denizens of this city, who are sending you a cover letter on this day?

Will you?

Regards,

One of Many